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삼 세번의 의미 덧글 40 | 조회 1,459 | 2014-07-02 06:37:28
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작성일: 2004/08/05 수정일: 2004/11/01 작성자: 김정국

 

 

 

한 남자가 새를 잡으러 숲으로 갔습니다. 거기서 어린 독수리를 잡아다가

 

닭들과 함께 살게 했습니다. 몇 년의 세월이 흐른 후 동물학자가 찾아 왔습니다.

 

“저 새는 닭이 아니라 독수리잖아!”

 

“맞아, 하지만 나는 독수리를 닭이 되도록 가르쳤다네.”

 

 

“아니야, 그래도 독수리는 독수리지.

 

언젠가는 하늘 높이 날아 오를걸세.”

 

“천만에 절대 날지 않을걸.” 동물학자와 남자는 시험을 했습니다.

 

“너는 독수리다. 네가 있을 곳은 저 높은 하늘이지

 

이 낮은 땅이 아니야. 훨훨 날아봐.”

 

 

그때마다 독수리는 번번이 닭들 곁으로 돌아가 모이를

 

쪼아 먹었습니다. 여러 번의 시도가 허사였습니다.

 

그러나 높은 산에 올라가 부들부들 떠는 독수리에게 정면으로

 

태양을 보게 했을 때, 독수리는 날카로운 울음소리를 내며

 

하늘 높이 날아올랐습니다.

 

 

이 얘기는 아프리카 사람인 제임스 애그레이가 쓴

 

날지 않는 독수리」의 일부입니다.

 

이 책은 동화라기보다는 백인들의 노예로서 살아가는,

 

그래서 자신의 정체성을 상실한 흑인들의 정신을 깨우치기 위한

 

교훈이 담겨있는 책입니다.

 

 

우리 집에도 그런 독수리가 한 마리 있었습니다.

 

그 독수리는 1남 2녀 중 막내인 제 아들입니다.

 

어떻게 보면 독수리들 속에서

 

스스로 닭으로 자처했는지도 모릅니다.

 

아무리 “너는 독수리야”라고 외쳐도 스스로 인정하지 않는 독수리는

 

거의 스무 해를 닭으로 살았는지도 모릅니다.

 

 

각기 너무 다른 특성을 가진 아이들을 키우면서 비교하지 않고,

 

아이들마다 다른 칭찬과 격려를 했지만 아들의 다른 사람들과의 비교,

 

특히 누나와의 비교는 자기 자신을 절망의 구렁텅이로

 

열등감의 늪으로 빠져들게 했습니다.

 

자신의 몫인 어떤 성공 경험도 자신의 능력보다는 우연히,

 

또는 잘하는 아이들이 없었기 때문이라고 말하는 아이였습니다.

 

 

다른 아이들의 모습은 한없이 크게 지각하면서 자신은 늘 축소시키는

 

아이였습니다. 이런 아이에게 너도 누나와 똑같은 독수리라는 말은

 

이미 설득력을 잃고 있었습니다.

 

언제나 소극적이고 수동적인 아이, 언제나 자신감이 없고 나서길 두려워하는 아이,

 

하지만 능력이 없거나 재주가 없는 아이가 결코 아니었습니다.

 

 

상대적인 박탈감 때문에

 

스스로 닭으로 지각하고 편히 살고 싶었는지도 모릅니다.

 

알 수 없는 무력감이 안개처럼 드리워져 있었는지도 모릅니다.

 

이런 아이에게 삼 세 번의 의미는 다른 아이들의 ‘서울대 합격’ 그 이상의 의미를 지닙니다.

 

이제야 자신을 인정할 수 있는 출발점에 서게 되는,

 

그 열등감의 터널을 빠져 나왔다는 의미이기도 하기 때문입니다.

 

 

흔히 승부를 가릴 때 삼 세 번을 하듯이 아들도 삼수 끝에 관악의 하늘을 날 수 있게 되었습니다.

 

서울대를 가기 위해 삼수를 한 것이 아닙니다.

 

닭으로 지낸 재수까지는 합격증을 주는 학교가 없었습니다.

 

평범한 행복을 누리며 살수도 있었을 이 아이에게 서울대라는 집안환경은 엄청난 부담이었습니다.

 

 

죽음을 들먹이며 이 집안에 자신만 없으면 아무런 문제가 없을거라고 말하는 아들에게

 

태연하고 침착하게 연기를 하기가 너무나 어려웠습니다.

 

그런 아들의 마음을 보듬느라 보낸 많은 밤들이 지나갔습니다.

 

언제나 서울대는 갈 수 없는 미지의 봉우리였습니다.

 

 

그러나 작년 봄에 아들은 자신이 독수리임을 인정하기 시작했습니다.

 

아버지와 열심히 테니스를 치기도 하고 피아노 선율로

 

아름다운 곡들을 연주하면서 자신과 가족들을

 

편안하게 해주기도 했습니다.

 

문득 오랜 잠에서 깨어난 왕자처럼 독수리로서

 

자신을 다듬어 갔습니다.

 

오랜 잠을 자면서 꾸었던 악몽들을 지워나갔습니다.

 

 

악몽에 시달린 이 아이에게 2001년 1월 27일 드디어 아버지, 누나들과 동문이 되는

 

기적 같은 일이 일어났습니다.

 

논술시험을 치르던 그 날처럼 하얀 눈이 엄청난 무게로 쏟아지고

 

베토벤의 합창 교향곡이 배경처럼 잘 어울리던 그 날,

 

생일 미역국을 받고 앉아 떨어 졌을거란 생각 때문인지

 

“에이! 하필 오늘 발표는 해 가지고 미역국을.......”

 

 

꿍시렁거리던 아들에게 합격소식이 눈길을 뚫고 도착했습니다.

 

어디다 감추었었는지 나도 모를 만큼 많은 눈물을 토해냈습니다.

 

내용은 가슴이 아팠지만 해피엔드로 끝나는 드라마를 보고 일어서는

 

관객 같았습니다. 신이 계시다면 세상에 하나뿐인 감사장을

 

드리고 싶었습니다.

 

 

논술시험을 보던 날, 학생휴게실 이층에서 멍하니 앉아 내리는 눈을

 

바라보고 있었습니다.

 

어디선가 아름다운 음악소리가 들려 왔습니다.

 

갑자기 글을 쓰고 싶은 충동이 들어 논술시험을 보고 있을

 

내 아들을 생각하며 글을 쓰기 시작했습니다.

 

 

새로운 출발을 위한 긴 여정이 끝나는 날

 

하늘에선 소리 없는 축복이 내리고

 

무한히 황홀한 겨울정경에

 

아름다운 음악은 더 할 수 없는

 

감미로움으로 다가왔다.

 

 

아들아!

 

이제 그 忍苦의 時間들이 막을 내리려 하고 있다.

 

한해의 마지막 날, 항상 듣는 ‘합창’의 chorus처럼

 

설경이 주는 그 숭고한 아름다움이란

 

말할 수 없는 경이로움을 느끼게 한다.

 

 

저 흰 눈이 소리 없이 내리듯

 

그렇게 네 생각의 片鱗들이 원고지위에

 

차곡차곡 내려앉고 있음을,

 

그렇게 너의 고통이, 염원의 순간이 끝나가고 있음을

 

엄마는 느낄 수 있어.

 

이 순간, 마음속으로 편안함이

 

저 눈처럼 평화롭게 내려앉고 있음을 전하고 싶다.

 

 

귀한 내 아들아!

 

네가 귀한 만큼 너를 더 귀하게 만든

 

그 큰 힘과 함께 너는 참으로 먼 길을 걸어 온 것 같다.

 

하지만 결코 헛되지 않은 그 시간들을

 

마음속에 간직하며 또 다른 출발을 하자꾸나.

 

 

정말 장하다. 그리고 고맙다.

 

네가 내 아들이어서 엄마는 정말 幸福하단다.

 

눈에 덮인 이 아름다운 campus를

 

네가 아니었으면 어떻게 바라 볼 수 있었을까.

 

오늘, 드라마틱한 한 편의 겨울동화를

 

보고 있는 것 같구나.

 

 

아들아!

 

이제 서서히 생각을 마무리해 옮겨 적을 시간이다.

 

묵묵히 자기 일을 충실히 수행하고 있는 저 눈처럼

 

너도 그렇게 너에게 최선을 다하고

 

가벼운 마음으로 우리 점심을 먹자꾸나.

 

논술 쓰느라 애쓰는 아들에게

 

마음을 전하며... 엄마가.

 

 

이런 글이 무색하지 않게 아들은 아빠의 후배가 되었습니다.

 

간절히 원하던 서울대학교 동창회에 이제는 갈 수 있는

 

아들이 되었습니다. 아무도 서울대를 강요하진 않았지만

 

못 가봤기 때문에 더 가고 싶었을 내 아들의 환한 미소가

 

관악의 하늘을 날고 있습니다.

 
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